(It actually is British Pie Week this week. How timely)

I stumbled into a pie trap last night, proper Larry David style. I’ve just discovered a couple of things. You can't make pie-based comments around fat people. At all. It's such a shame, as pies are so comedic. I also find that people are more touchy about the internet than they are about the newspapers even.

                     Bartolome Esteban Murillo - The Pie Eater

I joked about someone I interviewed on video who was clearly behaving as if they wanted to be somewhere else. He made it hard to work with or like him. He was surly. He was also a little pie-faced on the visuals.  Later, I wondered on Style&Error if “perhaps the pie shop was about to shut?”. If it wasn’t funny I wouldn’t have done it. It was a tad mean, but life is a tad mean, especially if you go round giving it lard, sorry, large in interviews.

Let them eat cake. But someone stop them from eating any more pies for heaven's sake.

The person was dead offended. People were up in arms. It’s definitely a shame. He was difficult with me, and I went for a cheap, but funny shot. How bad is that really? How does this person cope with real life? I mean to be fair he was fat all weekend, it's only Monday afternoon that someone mentioned pies and now he’s all upset. Was he happy all weekend?

I spoke to a thoroughly non PC friend about this, and he said pies and any allusion to fat people and eating is out of bounds now. When  did this happen?  Has it become unacceptable to take the piss at all?

People are so worried about being offended. Offence is just an emotion. There are far harder ones to cope with than offence. What happens when other stronger emotions come along? How will people deal the pain of heartbreak, the pang of fear or loss of a loved one? These will come, and being offended will look silly in comparison. A bit of offence is doing people a favour in this preposterous, cosseted, lily-livered world that we’re operating in. I mercilessly get the piss ripped out of me most days, and that’s just by my mother.

                                                                                 Blue pie thinking

My blog/pie situation happened in the fashion industry, where beauty and the body are so highly scrutinised. How can people reject bigger models in a show, but then not cope with their own real size. I’m not good looking enough to model, but I never got all sensitive about it. If fat people feel so bad about their situation they should act accordingly.  I realise it can't happen over night, but the solutions are pretty straight forward. Getting off drugs is hard, but its do-able. Some things are hard. Set your mind to them and do something to change your situation. Or shut up.

I said ‘cripple’ the other day and someone rounded on me. I wasn’t aiming it at anyone, I just used in a sentence. If I was hit by a car and lost my legs would I have become a  ‘disabled’? Has the word cripple been removed from the menu? What else has gone. What else is going to go? I’m going to draw up a word preservation list and get in there first to save a few choice ones.

Here is my first draft. I’m not saying these are comparable to fat, but I get the feeling that at some point there is going to be some social legislation with them in mind. Say them openly while you still can.

GINGER      (In Britain we are heartily ginger abrasive. Not so in USA)

OLD        (We do have problems with ageism, so maybe this is borderline)

BALD      (Not taboo and nobody's fault. Hair/baldness subterfuge is however taboo)

UGLY       (Never a crime, but something that affects us all everyday for life if afflicted)

CHARMLESS         (I’ve been accused of all of these so far)







SENSITIVE        (This is offensive)

WEAK        (Very offensive)

COSSETTED         (God I’d hate to be cosseted)

UNLUCKY IN LOVE        (Ah, yes)

SINGLE         (Yes, always)

Single. I’m single and I can't work out how to have a successful relationship. Until I do, I don’t want anyone to say the word single or bring up relationships near me, OK? Or wedding cake.  Or pie. No one is to mention wedding pie near or around me or on the internet, ever.  OK?

Thank you for your understanding.