The truth about Chronograph, crumbles and other dimensions.

(Kettle Head is Style&Errors watch coverage division)

Curry night at Jac’s pad with Stretch&Martha.

Men love a chronograph don’t they? I do. I’ve got one. I use it to time vegetables. Asparagus, fennel, sometimes scallops, its great over 10 mins or so. My chronograph is a TAG Heuer Monza.  Its quite a blokish thing to read a chrono. It can be hard going on occasion. Last night I was given the job of timing  Stretch’s fruit crumble for 45 to 50 minutes while we ate Jac’s brilliant southern Indian curry extravaganza.

TAG Heuer Monza Chronograph. An ideal asparagus watch.

Easy job compared to everyone else’s, no? I had one glass of Chianti and perhaps a small portion of Afghan. The first reading request came at 27 mins which I first shakily read out as 23, (2 min either side of the 25 min mark on the left hand sub dial). Stretch laughed and mocked my lack of precision.  Jac was then explaining to me for the second time that evening on unrelated matters about existing in ‘another dimension’. She made me laugh so much with her earnest universe expanding commentary, backed up with quite cutting abuse, I might well have reset and restarted the chronograph out hysterical laughter. An aggro hippy with caustic wit is hard to cope with, trust me.

More curry, more Chianti and a jot more Afghan and the second request reading was now either 4 minutes or 34. Alas I’d lost it. I couldn’t see the hour counter as obscured by the big hands. The crumble was now in free fall, on its own and un-timed. It too had entered another dimension. So much for precision instruments, when you need accurate operators to read the blighters too.

Stretch free styled the crumble timing. It worked.  It was quite something, with apples, pears, muesli nutmeg and some other stuff. A monumentally wholesome and fun evening ensued with much glorious hooting and eating.

It has brought to my notice that chronographs are bloody hard to read past 30 mins. I once tried to time myself on a 10 k race and you can even read them at all when you’re running along. They’re not so much use for race car lap times as they are for steaming spinach.

It's all just another big horological posturing device. I think TAG should do a vegetable cookery based time piece. I shall suggested it to them.

Next week on Kettle-Head, unilateral bezels, parking meters and Westminster councils laws on driving off while arguing with wardens.