Mother, I'm Smegged up at last! It might be a rather obvious style appliance for ones kitchen but I do not give a monkeys. I've really fancied one for years, and now I've just taken delivery of my black Smeg, it's like coming of (middle) age. It's so shiny you can see your face in it, should you want to.

Got a black shiny Nespresso coffee maker, didn't I, so when it came to choosing my Mondaine Kitchen clock, controversially one went for square, black shiny one. Since then a black shiny theme has emerged.

All I need now are those black patent Westwood loafers and I'll be laughing all the way to the ice maker. Starting how I mean to continue, the first item placed in La Smeg was a bottle or Ruinart Blancs de Blancs.

Stubbs out.