BAFTAS RED CARPET I

RED CARPET STYLE REFEREE

Not gonna pass too much judgement and spleen. Just a soupcon perhaps. Lasting take homes from night were that the actual academy bods, the 'BAFTA people', are appallingly dressed. Not even gonna mention the women, as not my expert remit. Also that Heat-tech thermals by Uniqlo are rather special. I mean on many levels. Not taken them off yet. Don't plan to for rest of week.

Most of the non-actor types attending are upper middle-class or maybe upper class even, and am quite amazed at their turn outs. The shoes were bad. Clarks clumpers with thick rubber soles, or sort of moulded Ladbrokes betting-shop fare were happily teamed with black tie. It beggars belief. Doesn't the wife at least say, "Darling, do you think you should be wearing actual shoes to this?" Its like the whole 'The British are well dressed' thing is made up. Maybe we've not really been well dressed at any level as nation since before the First World War, and the myth has come from films and novels. In which case, why isnt the Bafta-bunch on the case? Maybe Ralph Lauren invented it as marketing tool. Clever stuff. Anyway, some of the actors look good at least. A couple of cautions to dish out mind. Note also, I took these shots.

-BACK OF THE NET, BINSEY-

No cautions to Gary Oldman however. Thought he looked proper. Really like the unusual bins that he wears. Makes that look his. And that unusual mouth/lip curl thing. Good stuff. Black satin lapel on a midnight blue suit and a good bow tie, could almost be real, but probably not. Paul Smith bespoke one is told.

-BLACK VELVET LIZARD-BOY-

Eddie Redmayne in black velvet Burberry with contrast silver lapelage looked rather good. Again am almost believing thats a self tie fella, but its not. Always good to see a red-head-bredrin getting any sort of adulation. Disproves a lot.

-SMOKING JACKET COLOUR LIVENER &  TIE COUP-

Cuba Gooding Junior looked suave. Seems he was turned out in Hackett. Not many people opted for coloured velvet smoking jacket style, despite it being completely legit black tie fair, and warmer. Stuffy old lot. Dress scarf is great, embracing this thing we're supposed to be doing here. Now that's gotta be a real bow-tie. You couldn't sell those pre-tied, could you. Maybe someone should do a range of partially deformed bow-ties, pre-tied, but a trifle mental.

-YELLOW CARD FROM THE STYLE REFEREE-

-FOR NARROW GREY TIE IN BIG LAPELLED BLACK TIE COUNTRY-

Chris O'Dowd's three piece suit was dead good. It was by A.Sauvage, we know him, don't we darlinks. Rangy O'Dowd's looked great in the horse-shoe vest, so, so dig those, the right neat patent shoes, but he flopped on the tie unfortunately. Not black and too narrow. Really like Chris and had a fun hour on the Day-Nurse with him at some point, but gonna have to take your name for that matey, its a harsh booking, but that's how am rolling. Very sorry, but you're in the book, you big tall imposing confident actor fella. Stop make Derm' look short, too.

Look, that's a double O, both pointing. Got a load more blokes to do, but there's a sea bream in the fridge with my name on it. Not embossed with my initials or anything. I mean shirt cuff mono-grams are a tad showy, but no way on fish, surely? On with this caper tomorrow, si?

Stubbs out.